Letter to the past

To Edwin Tan Jia Quan,

It seems like you have disappeared from this world totally, on the Internet and in real life. Countless times I’ve tried to search for you in Friendster and Facebook but you never appeared on my LCD screen. I have a feeling you responded to a message I posted on Jing Shan Primary School’s Friendster group. The more I think, the more I feel that you did send me a message in Friendster but the strange thing is, I can never find that message.

I know that I am the culprit for making us feel so awkward all these years…and it dates back to the day where I threw your spectacle case more than a metre away. The people in the noisy canteen turned around to look and friends were shocked. Later on, I gathered that it must have been your favourite spectacle case that I threw.

Why did I threw it so harshly in the first place? I felt that you have been provoking me too much. And it wasn’t just one thing…usually, what makes a person explode is a series of unfortunate events that have piled up in his or her life. And when one thing happens to trigger it all, drastic changes could occur…and this was what happened that day. All the pelt up feelings came at once and it pulled the trigger in me. I wanted to stop myself from doing it but my hand just grabbed your spectacle case and threw it.

I regretted my actions the moment your spectacle case hit the ground. I wondered to myself: oh no, did I spoilt your nice case? And what really triggered my emotions was the expression you carried on your face. One second ago, you were still that happy little boy but your face turned black immediately after that. And from then on, you always gave me that face whenever we happen to bump into each other.

But I know things could never turn back, we have no hour glass to turn back time and restart all over again. We never hang out at the monkey bars with nurfadilla, fatin and the others anymore. We never ate together, we never played games in between breaks and worse of all…we stopped talking to each other. We were just primary school kids. Kids who have established friendship the year we got into the same class but broke it when one silly person broke your spectacle case on impulse. Given another chance, I will never do that. Ever.

We did talk once after that…in the library, when you were playing the magic school bus game and needed some help. However, we were still hostile. Very hostile. Feelings of the past have already evaporated…we could never go back to the time where we were very great friends. I don’t know how we came to call you Ah Pau by nickname but years ago I’ve been shouting: Ah Pau, where are you?

I’ve asked friends…but they don’t know where you are now. If you’re still in Singapore, probably doing NS? I saw you once in Ang Mo Kio when you were participating for flag day, I don’t know if you saw me but what was history is that we each chose to repel from each other. If we were still friends, you might have come walking towards me, pestering me to donate.

I write your full name here in this post, in hope that one day, when you ever search your own name in Google or some other search engines, you will come across this post.

I don’t know if you hate me, but I am deeply sorry for my actions. It seems like a childish act that ought to be forgotten but to me, it is a scar, something that broke our friendship apart. Somehow, I feel that if we ever meet each other again, we can never laugh off this incident and talk about how childish it was when I slammed your spectacle on the cold, hard ground. For we both understand that it not just some simple, childish act that can be easily forgotten. I can’t even foresee us chatting and joking like normal. That ‘needle’ will always be there. But either party has to start something…

Seriously, I hope you don’t hate me. But I know you do have reasons to hate me too…I feel guilty over this, although other people might see it as something small. Yet, it is something significant and regretful as it made me lose a friend. I don’t know how we’d be like now if that incident didn’t happen..maybe something worst might happen..or with the passing of time, we talk less like with other primary school friends. But then, we wouldn’t have the needle which keeps poking and making us feel uncomfortable. We might even have each other’s MSN contact. At least, not really a friend lost.

Still, I will keep this callout: Ah Pau, where are you?

Through this, I’ve learnt never to let your emotions get the better of you when facing a tight situation. There will come a time when we feel horribly angry at a certain person or situation, and we want to shout and curse and do the worst thing ever to that person. BUT ALWAYS THINK BEFORE YOU ACT. Think of the consequences that will result because of one moment’s impulse. You can never turn back time but remember, you can grasp hold of time in your hand and make the best use of it. It’s ultimately up to us to decide how we want to react.

You might feel extremely good after throwing out all your vulgarities on someone, or even slap him or her. But you are also being judged at the same time. How will the people around see you? What I do feel is that, try to remain calm whenever possible and sometimes, let your mind instead of your heart drive you for awhile. Maybe you can imagine yourself scolding or hitting Person A but after that, just forget it. A person who makes you wanna lose your temper is probably not worth doing so in the first place, unless he or she is really very important to you.

Friends are the best things in the world…when your world decides to fall apart one day, how many can you count on to help you piece this gigantic puzzle of your life back again?